Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Why I've Been So Quiet Lately

I'm the sort of person who when she speaks, generally speaks her mind. Sometimes I think it is why I am so shy. I don't have normal social defense mechanisms like small talk, and it is very hard for me to lie. My dad says I, like my mom, am honest to a fault.

So I've been quiet on this blog, and quiet in real life. I'm been hiding something. I found out 7 weeks ago that I am pregnant.

Apologies to everyone I've been evasive with. I don't think I've flat out lied to anyone. Using "I don't feel well as an excuse" is easy when you're almost constantly feeling a little tired, headachy, and queasy. When people ask me about my plans for the next year, if I'm doing an Ironman or some huge swim, rather than telling them I'm pregnant, I tell them we're planning on starting a family soon.

I can't complain too much. The sickness hasn't been too bad. Sometimes I'll gag on my toothbrush, but that's the worst of it. Hormone headaches suck, though.

So far it has been an amazing experience. I'm bringing with it all my strengths and all my weaknesses. How much to divulge? I wasn't sure that I was ready when I found out, but it's been a huge experience in trusting myself, God, and the universe that it is all going to work out, one way or another.

Great things about being pregnant:

1. Believing I'm ready to bring a life into this world has made me accept myself and my life in a way I never have. I think I've always thought of being a parent as the most important job in the world, and convincing myself I'm worthy of this role has given me a sense of peace I lacked.

2. Nothing else seems like as big a deal. The economy is falling apart, but I figure "Whatever will be, will be." I can't say I'm always peaceful, though. I can be downright ornery... Work has been stressful lately.

3. It's nice having an excuse to take good care of myself. Why should I feel like I ever needed an excuse? I shouldn't... But I've always found it easier to stick up for another person than myself. Me and the baby are a team. :)

4. For once in my life, I'm not trying to lose weight. I am worried about gaining too much, much more so than I thought I would be. I always announced happily to people that I would get fat as a cow when I was pregnant, and wouldn't worry at all, but it's been harder letting go of that than I thought.

This all sounds a tad bit narcissistic. I'm having a baby! It's not all about me and my personal growth! The whole baby thing hasn't sunk in entirely. I'm going to take this thing as it comes, I guess. Right now I'm pregnant. Later, I'll be in labor. Then I'll have an infant. Then a toddler. Then a child. Then a teenager....

It's been interesting going back and forth between being in the moment and planning for the future. I'm much happier when I'm a little more fuzzy brained about the whole thing. When I think too hard about it, I'm liable to freak out. But when I relax, I can feel all I'm feeling, and sometimes I'm joyful, sometimes quietly content, sometimes overwhelmed.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

I'm OK

I know I haven't blogged since Willow died. In case any of you think I may have slipped into a deep depression and am avoiding all communication with the rest of the human world, rest assured, I'm actually OK. I miss her, but life does go on.

What have I been up to? I haven't been racing. I've cut way back on training, although I still do some kind of exercising most days, just not Half Ironman style. I've been doing lots of cooking. I baked cookies for the first time in well over a year. I've been thinking about the economy, the presidential race, and have started looking at moving over the hill closer to work. Raybon doesn't think we'll be able to sell our house, but I figure it might be worth a shot. I'll sort of miss the Flip Flop area. More later... I have to get back to work.