Tips on Triathlon Training for New Moms

I'm not sure I'm the authority on this, but if I found an article like this while I was pregnant or when I first had B., I would have been happy to read it.

1. Ask for help! This is probably the most important thing to keep in mind. You can't do it on your own. And you deserve to have something for yourself. There are some people who will insist that it is your job to take care of the baby, and your husband does not need to help out. Everyone deserves a break. Being a parent is a 24-hour a day, 7 day a week job. You absolutely need and deserve to have something for yourself, and you also need to exercise. A fit mom is a happy mom, and a happy mom means a happy family. Be grateful for the help you get (Thanks Raybon! Thanks Mom and Dad!), but also remember you deserve it. Don't try to micromanage your helpers either. Be grateful you got to train or race and got your baby back safe and sound.

2. Start off slowly and listen to your body. Before I got pregnant, I was training for a Half Ironman distance triathlon. I was running 12 miles for my long runs. I cut this in half once I found out I was pregnant, and eventually went down to walking 3 miles by the end of my pregnancy. When I first started running 6 weeks postpartum, I started the Couch to 5K program on CoolRunning.com. I didn't get sore at all when I did my first run/walk (not even good sore), so I skipped up to Week 4, got a tiny bit sore, and decided I would follow the program from there. (This was when my husband was on Family Leave, and could watch Benjamin while I ran more than once a week.) Everyone is different, so I'm just using myself as an example.

3. Get a really good sports bra. I got The Last Resort Bra from Title 9. It is rated 5 barbells for zero bounce, is made of faster drying material, and unhooks in the front for easy access. :)

4. Ride your trainer while your baby sleeps in a battery operated swing. Trainers are loud, but so is the womb, so newborns find noise soothing.

5. I might add that you should buy a bike trailer. I don't have one and don't intend to ever get one, because I don't ride places that I would feel safe taking my son with me, but lots of people use them with their kids.

6. Eat well and stay hydrated. I keep a couple of water bottles filled up next to wear I nurse. Keeps snacks everywhere. Diaper bags, purse, near where you nurse. If you have what they call a "marathoner" for a baby like I did, you might be sitting in the same place for a really long time.

7. Be flexible and be positive. If you couldn't get in as long a workout as you planned, call it a recovery day. Call it a recovery week if this happens all week. Do these two weeks in a row if you have to. If you can't find time for all three disciplines or your body won't allow you to do it, tell yourself you are focusing on improving the one you can do.

8. If you're going to breastfeed, buy a pump. I would buy one that allows you to pump both breasts at once. I didn't do this, and ended up buying two pumps instead. Most triathmoms are pressed for time, and a double pump saves time. Pumping milk takes longer than you think, especially at first for a first time mom. If you're like me, you start to think of expressed milk as a precious commodity.

9. Walk with your baby in a baby carrier, to wear your baby in. This is how I got
exercise before I was cleared to run or swim by my OB. B. did not like his stroller all that much when he was first born, and still prefers the carrier. Our favorite is the Moby Wrap. It's comfy, distributes B's weight over both shoulders, and you can use it when they are first born. I put mine on in the morning and wear it most of the day, even when not wearing B. It's also good strength training. Hey, if you can't run, at least you can walk with really cute weights. It does tend to sag a bit when walking long distances, though. Although I'm cleared for all exercise now, it is still a convenient way of getting exercise, and B loves it.

10. If you plan on riding your trainer, put your bike shorts on under your clothes when you get dressed in the morning. I also put on a nursing tank to ride in, but I wear those pretty much every day.

11. Get a good jogging stroller. There are different options out there, and you have to weigh the advantages of different ones. I got the BOB Ironman stroller, maybe just because I like the M-Dot. No, seriously, it is built to go fast and straight. You can start using it when they are 8 weeks old to walk with, and 8 months old to jog with. If you want something that turns better, get one with a front wheel that turns (mine does not.) If you want something you can jog with when they are a little younger, apparently there are some out there. The age limitations have to do with their ability to hold their head up and sit up. I asked my doctor if I could jog with B. if he can sit up by himself before he reaches 8 months, and she said this is fine.

12. Again, every family is different. Some people have more needy babies. Some people need more exercise and harder races to feel happy. Some people can recruit more help for themselves, some less. Figure out what you need and what your family needs, and do what works best for everyone. Most triathletes are competitive people, but when it comes down to it, everyone has different goals, needs, and resources, and comparisons and competition are only so useful.

Seaweed's Back

I'm back. Back to racing. Maybe back to blogging. I've done three events so far: Flip Flop Roughwater (1 Mile Swim Around Flip Flop Pier), Flip Flop Triathlon, and a small swim meet.

I get so little time to myself now, I cherish the time I get to race. I used to have a very strong work ethic when it came to racing, but I don't really anymore. I'm not a good mom if I'm tired, so I have to come out of a race with enough energy to take care of Benjamin. If I have enough, he gives it to me back 10 fold, but if I don't have enough he takes it all and then some. Being a good mom just takes focus, and I don't have it when I'm tired. I used to get annoyed by people who would brag about how they didn't care about race results. I could go on and on about this, but I think this sketch by Demetri Martin kind of illustrates what I mean: Passive Aggressive Race

So, I really don't mean to be that type of person. I'm just doing what I can do, which is what everyone who tries to find balance in their lives has to do, right? Maybe I'll discover that doing it for fun is the best reason for doing it anyways, and even if I had energy, I'll never go back to trying to be a badass (and sort of failing at that anyways.) Being happy probably makes for being a better athlete anyways. The endorphins are probably the best kind of fuel.

When I was pregnant and first had Benjamin I tried to search the net to find out what other women did to train. I guess the answer for me and for everyone else is, do you want you can do. I run when I get a chance to run, which is once a week on the weekends. I bike if Benjamin takes a nap long enough for me to ride my trainer. I swim if I can get up early enough to do so, or if Raybon is able to get off work early enough to let me go in the evenings. I get in a walk if the weather is good, and Benjamin is agreeable. So I can't really follow a training program, I just train when I get the opportunity. Being a Mom is teaching me to just enjoy the time I have to work out. If that works out to me getting in shape for a race or improving my speed or endurance, that's awesome. But my time with Benjamin as a baby is so precious, as is my time alone, I just want to enjoy it and do it for the sense of peace and strength it gives me. And it does give me both. I feel strong by being able to run and bike and swim. I don't feel like a wounded veteran of a long labor and C-section. And I feel like a person who is worth taking the time for herself, which infuses my entire life with energy.

This might sound a little funny, but I think I might actually be a triathlete. I've now done 5 tri's, so maybe that sounds obvious. Maybe part of it is that I just don't have time to get back into swimming shape. I've blogged in the past about my thing with open water swimming and triathlon. I think after Wildflower last year, I had so much fun, I was almost ready to say it, but then after Hawaii 70.3, I think I was disappointed by my performance and exhausted. I had a lot of fun at the Flip Flop Triathlon, and I'm more excited about doing another tri than another swimming race. It might be a while before I do another one, but I'm looking forward to whatever it is. Maybe someday I'll even get a wetsuit.

Motherhood

When the first of my friends to have kids was expecting his first child he said to me, "When people tell you about negative things about having kids they are very specific: morning sickness, the painful labor, the sleepless nights, colic, changing diapers. But when it comes to the positive aspects they are very vague: 'It's wonderful; it will change your life.'" Truthfully, expecting a baby was terrifying, labor makes every athletic endeavor I've ever done look like a joke, and taking care of Benjamin the first 3 months made any training I've ever done look easy.

I don't expect to blog much about my family life. I don't want to spend a lot of time complaining. There isn't much enlightening I can say that hasn't been said before. I don't want to spend a lot of time bragging. It's hard not to, I'm a very proud Mama, and I'm a competitive person, but this is one area where I think competitiveness is ugly and would hurt Benjamin and my friendships with other Moms. I also want to respect Benjamin's privacy. I always run my posts that mention Raybon by him before I hit publish, but I can't do that with Benjamin. But I thought I'd at least make an attempt to articulate what is so wonderful about being a Mom.

1. Having somewhere to pour all my love into. I love my husband, and I love my other family and friends, but I think even Raybon might take out a restraining order against me if I ever poured as much of myself into him as I put into Benjamin. Benjamin wants and needs it. I don't mean to demean my own marriage or romantic love in general, but for all those women who wonder why they sometimes love too fast or too much, it makes a lot more sense that your heart works that way when you have a baby. Love at first sight for a baby is unquestionably a wonderful thing. You feel like an idiot when you change who you are for a man, but you absolutely have to do it for your child.

2. Babies are pure. Some may think this isn't good Christian theology (others might be fine with it), I know, but I believe Benjamin is absolutely innocent. He has no knowledge of good and evil, and thus can do no wrong. And having no knowledge of good or evil, he never judges me either.

3. He is so incredibly real. I hate when people say that a baby's smile is just gas. FYI, everyone, the scientific evidence shows the contrary. He smiles with his whole face. His joy is all consuming, so is his sorrow. He is also wise in a way that most of adults have lost touch with. He knows my real smiles from my fake ones. I can't fake my happiness when I'm tired, but when I realize that he isn't asking me to, I find a real smile under the fake one.

4. It's wonderful to watch him grow and develop. He is so incredibly alert, bright, and curious. He loves listening to people talk. He enjoys looking around at new things to observe and reach out and touch. He looks pleased and proud when he is able to do something new. He loves being read to. Last night I read to him for a half an hour, and he was focused the whole time. I had no idea that babies had so much desire to learn and grow all on their own. While Benjamin's development is important to me, I hope I never hurt him by pushing him too hard. So far, just figuring out ways to help him follow his bliss is working out just as well.

5. Being a Mom is getting to be fun, not just hard work. We laugh together and goof off. They say to limit visitors when a baby is first born, and I can understand part of the reason why. I could never be as sponteaneous in front of even my closest friends in the same way I can be with Benjamin. He laughs so easily when I'm silly, but I'd be too self-conscious to be that way in front of anyone else.

Anyway, I know that wasn't poetic or thorough or articulate, and I feel like he deserves much more. I can't put my heart and love into words, and I feel like it should fill a whole book, but I'll leave it at that.

Benjamin

"...God heard me, heard my heart, and gave me the one thing that's ever worked in my entire life, someone to love." - Anne Lamott, Operating Instructions

5 Minutes of My Life

I was hanging out with Oxy and Raybon downtown after we got breakfast. We were cutting through Flip Flop coffee roasting company on our way to the drug store, when I decided to get hot chocolate. I said yes to whip cream, happy about having no angst about the indulgence. They piled it on high, and I was a little worried about getting the lid on. When it went on miraculously without spilling, I couldn't help but be filled with glee. Raybon and Oxy wondered why I looked so happy, and Oxy somehow guessed it had to do with the whipped cream and the lid. Nice mind reading, Oxy. I really was goofily happy about this, like I have been about lots of things since I got pregnant. Expecting a baby somehow restored a childlike pleasure to little things in life. But seconds later after bursting with happiness, my lid popped off, and I nearly spilled my chocolate.

Anyway, my chocolate only spilled over the edge of the cup a tiny bit. Life is still good, but it just seemed ironic and I have to admit it burst my little bubble. I wondered if I was tempting the evil eye by being so visibly happy.

I haven't blogged for so long, I wonder if my readers are like, "I waited so long for this?"

Hour Postal 2009

I swam the hour postal yesterday, for the 6th year in a row.

2004 - 3315
2005 - 3845
2006 - 3780
2007 - 3920
2008 - 4100
2009 - Um... I don't remember exactly. Something like 3400 yards.

So, once again, I did not hit my goal of swimming 4200 yards. Hardy har har. I'm 6 months pregnant. When I first considered doing it, I figured if i just did more than 3315, I could see that as progress from when I first started swimming, because I wasn't pregnant then.

I got in and tried to pace myself off of someone who usually swims a lane or two down from me. I felt OK, but I got cramps after 20 minutes or so. This has happened the last couple of times I've swam Masters workouts. I stopped on the wall, slowed way down, alternated backstroke and freestyle, stopped looking at people in the lanes next to me, and felt fine after a while. I had kinda hoped to average 1:40's, but knew I'd have to give this up if I felt at all uncomfortable. So I averaged about 1:46 per one hundred, which considering I was doing a lot of stopping, cramping, and backstroke, isn't too shabby. And who cares!!! I'm pregnant. It really doesn't matter, does it? I'm glad I didn't get out after I started cramping, and slowed down instead. I felt fine at the end of the hour. I hope the cramping thing is just something temporary, and won't continue for the rest of my pregnancy.

25 Random Things About Me - Facebook Chain

This was surprisingly hard for me to write and publish. I haven't been blogging much. I'm not sure whether being pregnant makes me feel more vulnerable, or just more uncomfortable with vulnerability.

Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

(To do this, go to "notes" under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.)

1. I ate 2 chocolate chip cookies baked with marijuana when I was 2 years old. The green ones were in reach on the stove, and the regular ones were up on the fridge, so…That is one of two times I’ve done illicit drugs, the second time when I was in Guatemala when I was 23. Pot again.

2. I’m very shy, but I also feel a need for family and community in my life.

3. I’m politically very liberal, but have almost always been conservative in my personal life. Don’t confuse this with close-mindedness. I’m always interested in the paths other people have chosen in their own pursuit of fulfillment.

4. My family was Buddhist when I was born, and converted to Christianity when I was 9. I’m not sure how I’ll explain Christianity and religion to the baby I’m expecting in May. I’ve never tried to convert anyone before.

5. I’m an open water swimmer. My greatest open water accomplishment is swimming the width of Lake Tahoe solo. I once dreamed of swimming the English Channel, but it’s a dream I’ll have to wait on for a while, because of the baby, and it isn’t as important to me as it once was.

6. I did a few triathlons last year: a sprint, one Olympic Distance, and one Ironman 70.3. Maybe I’ll do an Ironman 140.6 someday, but again, with the baby coming who knows?

7. I once wrote a letter to Bono inviting him to my sister’s wedding. My basic argument was that I spent such a huge part of my income on his stuff (concert tickets, albums, T-shirts, etc.) that a plane ticket to my sister’s wedding, as a percentage of his income, would be nothing compared to what I’d spent on U2 crap. He never answered, of course.

8. I was briefly a smoker, but didn’t smoke much. I smoked maybe a pack a month, mostly as something to do between bands when I went to clubs by myself.

9. I shaved my head when I was 18 years old. I didn’t shave my legs back then. I now have long hair and shave my legs when I’m bored.

10. I spent spring break of my sophomore year in college in a Russian Orthodox Women's Monastery. I once seriously considered becoming a nun.

11. I love swimming and being active now, but used to prefer dark, quiet places with close friends and family.

12. I have a slight crush on Howl from Howl’s Moving Castle, both the character in the book and in the movie. I’m not sure why. He’s vain, cowardly, and a big baby, the Anti-Harry Potter. Lots of other women apparently share this crush, and the ones I’ve talked to say it is because Christian Bale does his voice in the movie. But I’ve never liked Christian Bale all that much, so I doubt that is it. He’s a complicated hero, and I think that is why he is appealing to me.

13. I like comedies more than serious movies. Life is serious enough without fictional drama.

14. I’m pretty messy. I’m definitely developing better habits, but household chores have historically been low on my priority list.

15. In first grade, I stayed in at recess to do extra work, because I was in the “Green Group”, which was ranked below the “Red Group”, where the “smart kids” sat.

16. I hated swimming passionately when I did it as an age group swimmer. It’s now my main hobby, but I have yet to thank my parents for making me do it as a kid.

17. When I was a kid, my parents thought I’d grow up to be an artist. They were surprised when I instead became an academic nerd. I guess I didn’t show much sign of being smart as a toddler. My art teachers have generally agreed that I have artistic talent, but I’ve never done much to develop it.

18. I can be very, very single minded. If I have a goal in my head, it is almost all I think about. It's hard for me to be balanced.

19. If I sense jealousy from you, I probably don’t like you. I can’t be bothered to like people who would rather see me fail in life than succeed.

20. I’m addicted to the Internet. I escape into my computer when I’m hiding from something.

21. I was Pre-Med in college, but never applied. I’m not the kind of person with boundless energy, so it was hard for me to see getting through residency, or at least coming out of it as a nice, sane person. I also saw doctors work such long hours, it just didn’t seem like the lifestyle for me. Sometimes I regret it, but not all that much, especially since I became pregnant.

22. If an event doesn’t involve food or some kind of athletic endeavor, it’s hard for me to get excited about it. When invited to the annual lighting of the Pigeon Point Lighthouse by Angel, I couldn’t fathom why I would go to something that didn’t involve eating or exercise.

23. I was a Philosophy Major in college, but haven’t picked up a philosophy book since I graduated.

24. I’m really looking forward to being a mom, much more than I thought I would. I finally get why people want kids. Being pregnant is really amazing. I should appreciate how well my body works for me more, but it can be a chore working so hard just to maintain my health and fitness. I’m in good shape, but at 33, I work hard against the inevitable process of running down. So I’m in awe of the human life inside me develop out of almost nothing, and becoming more than what it is, rather than less.

25. I sometimes wish that life were a musical. People are earnest in musicals in a way they rarely are in real life.

Attention and Control

I went to see my acupuncturist yesterday, who is married to a family friend of mine. (I'm having back pain that he is unable to treat directly. He can't get close to my hips, since I'm pregnant.) He is teaching his first lecture course at an acupuncture school. He said there were a couple of students who were disruptive in the classroom. That's Flip Flop for you. College students are like junior high school students, except they don't bathe as regularly.

He talked to my dad, who is a retired junior high school teacher, and he gave him what turned out to be some very useful advice. He said disruptive students are of two types: ones who just want attention, and ones who want to control the classroom. You have to figure out what type you are dealing with, and act accordingly. If you give the one who want attention what they want, their discipline problems stop. But if you give attention to the ones who want control, you're just playing into their game, and they will just continue being disruptive.

I thought this was interesting advice. I have a few teachers who read this blog, so I thought they might find it interesting. I also wonder how much this can apply to people in general, and not just students. I think I generally assume that people just need to know you care about them, and they will start to treat you well, but maybe that isn't always the case.

Seattle Highlights - Draft 2

Um... I published this last night when I was very, very tired. I still am very, very tired, so there might still be mistakes. I know there are still fragmented sentences and don't care, but at least what is written below makes a bit more sense than what I wrote last night. I hardly ever go back and fix my mistakes, but it was way too embarrassing.

I spent last week in Seattle with my family. My father, mother, sister, two brothers, two sister-in-laws, two nieces, and my husband. It was nice to get away from work, and to be surrounded by family. We rented a big house on Lake Washington. My mom did tons of cooking, and I helped a little by making fried chicken one night and pasta another. It was fun, although sometimes a little overwhelming.

Highlights:

1. Swimming with my mom. We found a pool close by, which was old, but clean, and we were lucky enough to be able to split a lane both times we swam. I made up little workouts which we sort of stuck to. She acted proud of me when I tried to keep up with some high schoolers in a lane adjacent to ours. Not bad for 17 weeks pregnant.

2. Meeting a third cousin of mine, who is family historian. I learned a few interesting things about my family. One thing I learned is that my great, great grandmother was illegitimate, and the details surrounding her birth are a complete mystery. I knew a bit about it beforehand, but was told what was apparently a tall tale that her mother was made pregnant before her wedding night by a Jewish baron a "rite of the first night" sort of like in Braveheart. This was apparently not true, as my great, great grandmother was born 5 years after the husband of my great, great, great grandmother died. Various stories surround how it happens, but no one knows for sure. Most people don't want to talk about it, and those that do have different stories.

I also learned that it is sort of in the habit of my ancestors to move around quite a bit, which might explain a bit of my own restless nature. What else? One of my ancestors invented the sign that businesses hang in windows that says "Will Return" with a clock where you move the hands to a time. Another designed a large church in Rotterdam, which is where my family in the Netherlands is from. That's kind of funny, if you know my husband Raybon's last name. Also, my great grandfather, who I always knew as Harry, was actually named Hendrik. At his funeral, he was called Henry, which confused me, but Hendrik makes sense, since he was born in the Netherlands. Apparently, he, like lots of people in my family went around changing their names a lot.

So now I know lots about my great grandfather's portion of the family. I know a bit about my Japanese family, at least I know they are from Japan, which is helpful. I know little about the rest of my Dad's family though. I don't even know where my last name came from. Could be Irish, Scottish, French, English, or German. It's a Latin, biblical name and has origins in many countries in Europe. I always thought I was Irish, and there may be some basis to that, but my family tree ends before it gets back there.

3. My hilarious niece Aliana. She's only 3, but smart as a whip, and has a natural sense of humor. My other niece Anjali is 6, and is shy, so sometimes Aliana fills us in on what Anjali is thinking when she won't speak up herself. She seemed upset, and wouldn't answer why, when we all piled into the minivan to take a trip into downtown Seattle. Aliana explained "She's upset because she has to sit next to that guy." That guy was her uncle, my brother. We all cracked up. When we exchanged presents later, Rose and my brother signed the card on Aliana's present "From Rose and That Guy." After everyone cracked up again, Aliana spent the rest of the week referring to her uncle as "That Guy" in order to get more laughs.

4. Sitting and reading with my Dad while everyone else watched Wall-E.

5. Having time to read, and just get out of my daily routine and habits. Finished Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows and The Secret Life of Bees, started a hastily written book about Michael Phelps.

6. Seeing how beautiful Washington State was, especially the views of the mountains on the flight over.

7. Buying my first maternity clothes.

8. Getting to know my older brother and his family a bit better, and spending time with the rest of my siblings.

9. Raybon being a real trooper and chauffeuring everyone around in our rented minivan.

Harry Potter

I finally finished reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I started it shortly after it was released in July 2007, after Raybon, who always has first dibs on the books finished it in a couple of days. When I first started reading it, I was kind of sick of Harry Potter. I felt like J.K. Rowling had blown her wad in Book 4, wtih the rise of Voldemort. So much of the next couple of books seemed like annoying filler in overly long books where not enough plot advancement or character development to merit the pages. Hermione and Ron's bickering was annoying, Harry's anger got old. But I feel like the last half of Book 7 redeemed it for me, and I again love Harry Potter.

Harry Potter is my hero. Why?

1. He genuinely loves his friends. They are more than sidekicks to him. He appreciates them, relies on them, and lets them feel like heroes, too. Since I feel like I am much more the sidekick type than the hero type, I can genuinely appreciate this.

2. He is both goodhearted and modest against all odds. He was brought up by a cruel and neglectful Aunt and Uncle, then thrown into fame and glory in the wizarding world. Neither of these things spoil him.

3. He's brave. It's one thing I admire in people more than almost anything. I know almost no one I would think of as truly brave. To me, courage means more than what it takes to be an amazing athlete or war hero. Someone who is brave has integrity, will stand up for his friends at any cost, and has the courage to love others.

4. He's a fictional character. The series is over, so he'll never break my heart.

Everyone Be Nice To Me

I should wear a sign that says this for the duration of my pregnancy, perhaps? Obviously, I don't have PMS right now, but being pregnant sometimes feels like having it for months on end.

This is totally lame, but this is just a reprint of a post from October 2007.

I'm in a super sensitive, paranoid, PMS-y, should-lock-myself-in-a-padded-room-for-the-next-few-days-kind-of-mood. I could elaborate over and over again about the weird interactions I've had from people, but it would break my rules of using my blog as a rant. Over and over and over again. People are mean! Or I'm too sensitive. That is probably it.

Traffic Surge

I got a huge surge of hits on my blog this weekend, too big to be a coincidence. I'm not asking individual people to out themselves yet (although that would be nice to know), but can anyone at least help account for why this might be?

Why I've Been So Quiet Lately

I'm the sort of person who when she speaks, generally speaks her mind. Sometimes I think it is why I am so shy. I don't have normal social defense mechanisms like small talk, and it is very hard for me to lie. My dad says I, like my mom, am honest to a fault.

So I've been quiet on this blog, and quiet in real life. I'm been hiding something. I found out 7 weeks ago that I am pregnant.

Apologies to everyone I've been evasive with. I don't think I've flat out lied to anyone. Using "I don't feel well as an excuse" is easy when you're almost constantly feeling a little tired, headachy, and queasy. When people ask me about my plans for the next year, if I'm doing an Ironman or some huge swim, rather than telling them I'm pregnant, I tell them we're planning on starting a family soon.

I can't complain too much. The sickness hasn't been too bad. Sometimes I'll gag on my toothbrush, but that's the worst of it. Hormone headaches suck, though.

So far it has been an amazing experience. I'm bringing with it all my strengths and all my weaknesses. How much to divulge? I wasn't sure that I was ready when I found out, but it's been a huge experience in trusting myself, God, and the universe that it is all going to work out, one way or another.

Great things about being pregnant:

1. Believing I'm ready to bring a life into this world has made me accept myself and my life in a way I never have. I think I've always thought of being a parent as the most important job in the world, and convincing myself I'm worthy of this role has given me a sense of peace I lacked.

2. Nothing else seems like as big a deal. The economy is falling apart, but I figure "Whatever will be, will be." I can't say I'm always peaceful, though. I can be downright ornery... Work has been stressful lately.

3. It's nice having an excuse to take good care of myself. Why should I feel like I ever needed an excuse? I shouldn't... But I've always found it easier to stick up for another person than myself. Me and the baby are a team. :)

4. For once in my life, I'm not trying to lose weight. I am worried about gaining too much, much more so than I thought I would be. I always announced happily to people that I would get fat as a cow when I was pregnant, and wouldn't worry at all, but it's been harder letting go of that than I thought.

This all sounds a tad bit narcissistic. I'm having a baby! It's not all about me and my personal growth! The whole baby thing hasn't sunk in entirely. I'm going to take this thing as it comes, I guess. Right now I'm pregnant. Later, I'll be in labor. Then I'll have an infant. Then a toddler. Then a child. Then a teenager....

It's been interesting going back and forth between being in the moment and planning for the future. I'm much happier when I'm a little more fuzzy brained about the whole thing. When I think too hard about it, I'm liable to freak out. But when I relax, I can feel all I'm feeling, and sometimes I'm joyful, sometimes quietly content, sometimes overwhelmed.

I'm OK

I know I haven't blogged since Willow died. In case any of you think I may have slipped into a deep depression and am avoiding all communication with the rest of the human world, rest assured, I'm actually OK. I miss her, but life does go on.

What have I been up to? I haven't been racing. I've cut way back on training, although I still do some kind of exercising most days, just not Half Ironman style. I've been doing lots of cooking. I baked cookies for the first time in well over a year. I've been thinking about the economy, the presidential race, and have started looking at moving over the hill closer to work. Raybon doesn't think we'll be able to sell our house, but I figure it might be worth a shot. I'll sort of miss the Flip Flop area. More later... I have to get back to work.

Willow passed very peacefully today.

Congratulations Mike!

By now the news has spread far and wide, so you may have already heard, but Mike made it across the Catalina Channel. Read more about his amazing accomplishment on his blog:

http://catalinachannelswim.blogspot.com/

Commitment

I had the idea of doing Big Kahuna in the back of my mind the past few months. I never signed up for the race, figuring I could sign up at the Expo at the last minute if I wanted to do it. I just felt like I needed a break from the stress of a difficult event being my main focus in my training. I guess you could say I was burnt out.

I think what I've learned from this is that I should either be in or out when it comes to races. I seem flakey to everyone around me if I don't do the race I talked about maybe doing. And I'm not committed to what it is I was trying to do, taking a break from training for a huge race and feeling burnt out.

Rebuttals to Sarah Palin's Speech at RNC

Claim:

Sen. Barack Obama "is a man who has authored two memoirs but not a single major law or reform -- not even in the state senate."

Rebuttal:

http://mediamatters.org/items/200809040007?f=h_latest

Claim:

"I guess a small-town mayor is sort of like a community organizer, except that you have actual responsibilities."

Rebuttal:

http://www.time-blog.com/swampland/2008/09/what_a_community_organizer_doe.html

Willow

The news from the oncologist was not very good. Willow is unlikely to live very long no matter what we decide to do. She still seems very happy. I just took her for a walk, and she wagged her tail the whole time. Of course the time we have left with her is now very precious, and we hope to make it as happy for her as we can.

New Update on Willow

I have an appointment with a veterinary oncologist tomorrow morning. I'll keep you all posted with anything new. Thanks to all of you who have asked about her.

Shout Outs

Kudos to some of the amazing athletes I have the pleasure of being acquainted with.

- Tim, Kirsten, Michele, Sally, and David (actually I don't know that I've ever met him) from T.S. who all did 24 Hours of Triathlon SOLO on Saturday and Sunday. This is a race where people do as many laps of mini triathlons in 24 hours. Tim got first place and may have set the record. Kirsten, Michele, and Sally got first 3rd, 4th, and 5th respectively. The relays from T.S. also did awesomely, too, placing first in the 4+ team division (Mike, Sarah, Joe, Bob, Keith, and Mirella) and almost tying for first in the team of 2 division (Lennard and Ian). Mary, the wife of David (one of the soloists), and their two sons (Brian and Eric) made up a team of 3, making for a superbly fit and adventurous family. Congrats all! All of us at T.S. are proud of you.

- Mike, who is swimming the Catalina Channel solo on Wednesday. This is more than 20miles of swimming in shark infested water, and he'll start swimming for hours in the dark. Best of luck, Mike! I can't wait to hear all about your success.

- Jocelyn who is leaving Wednesday to pursue her dream of becoming a professional triathlete by going to a training camp with her team, TeamTBB in the Philippines. Bon Voyage, Joey! I'm so excited for you! Don't forget us little people when you're Ironman World Champion!

- This congralations is a long time coming (at least on this blog), but one of my other Catalina Channel Relay members, Emily, did the Catalina Channel solo this year. Read all about the fulfilmment of her dream at http://rosewaterswim.blogspot.com/

Update on Willow

I took Willow to get an ultrasound today. She doesn't have any growths or signs of heart disease, but her pleural cavity has an abnormal lining of cells. This makes diagnosis a little more tricky, because there is no growth to extract cells from. She may have mesothelioma or adenocarcinoma. Inflammation or infection could also be a cause, but the lab work probably would have showed higher white blood cell counts if that were problem.

Other than heavier than normal breathing, she doesn't seem too bad. The vet who did the ultrasound was surprised by how much fluid was in her lungs, because she seemed like such a happy dog. The other vet remarked that she probably has no idea what is going on with her.

So we'll talk to an oncologist and figure out what to do. My initial thought was to make her more comfortable, but we'll consider the other options. The approach to chemotherapy is not the same in animals as in people. It doesn't make them sick or make their hair fall out, because the goal isn't necessarily to completely eradicate it, but to control it.

I was anxious all day, but I'm feeling a little better thinking about how we might be able to cure her. I'm trying to be strong for Willow, because she is happier if I am happy.

Antidote to Whining

So, as I've said before, the antidote to whining is probably gratitude.

Thanks to (almost all people who don't even know about this blog, and should probably thank in person):

- Kathy for being my cycling partner for most of the ride. She spent a lot of time waiting for me, as she climbs and descends much faster than I do. I felt safer knowing someone was keeping track of where I was.

- Tim for sending the route out for the ride weeks ahead of time, for carefully planning a safe, manageable, but challenging route, and for arranging SAG support for this tough ride. Also, just for being a supportive coach and a good guy.

- Jeff for helping Tim plan the route and giving me encouragement. Also that East Bay cyclist who came with us on the ride, but whose name I don't remember.

- Mike, for providing SAG support and encouragement.

- Kim, for keeping me company for a good part of the climb up Mt. Diablo, for being willing to ride the course with me if I decided to make the entire climb, and just being a comforting, kind person.

- Sally for sharing her water and salt tablets with me.

- Martin for calling me to congratulate me and making sure I was OK.

- Amy for emailing me encouragement before the ride.

- Tons of other people who gave me encouragement along the route: Mike, Lennard, Tanja, Kathryn C, Cara, Michele, and people I may have forgotten or whose names I don't know.

- God for getting me safely through it all.

- Me for being gutsy enough to do a ride like this.

Willow

Willow has had abnormal breathing, so I took her to the vet on Friday. The vet did an X-ray that showed she had fluid in her lungs. They did a bunch of lab work, gave her some medicine, and told me they'd let us know what they'd find. She seemed to be getting better, so I thought all the worry was for naught. But then I got a call late last night from the vet, and found out that her test results are most likely to be consistent with lung cancer.

I won't go into the personal details about how I feel about this. If you've ever loved and lost a pet you probably know. I don't have any deep thoughts about this, and any that I might have would sort of sound detached, analytical and callous anyways. This blog is mostly read by people who care about me more than what I write about anyways, so I just thought I'd let you all know what is going on, so you can understand if I seem a little subdued.

Mt. Diablo - First Attempt

I did most of the ride linked above on Sunday. I didn't quite make it to the top of Mt. Diablo, because of a miscommunication between myself and my cycling partner. We had about 20 minutes to go when we turned around. Still the second climb of the day had more elevation gain than the amount we had to go up Mt. Diablo, so I feel like I had a successful ride nonetheless. It was my longest, hottest (93 degrees) ride I've ever done, with the most climbing. The ride up Mt. Diablo itself was fun. It hadn't gotten too hot yet, and I think summiting peaks on my bike has the same sort of appeal as swimming across bodies of water. I don't want to say that you feel like you've conquered it, but you have a feeling of attachment to something powerful. And though it was almost too hot to enjoy it, the sky was beautiful and blue against a sea of yellow grass.

A lot of awful things happened on this ride, but I suppose it is just more to whine/brag about. I told my Auntie Shirley that trying to be an athlete was supposed to teach me to be less of a whiner, and she said that maybe it would just afford more opportunities to whine. Here I go with the whining:

- I'm a chicken at descents, and lots of climbing means lots of descending. I really freaked out on the last descent of the day. It was really steep, and the caffeine gel I consumed probably made me more nervous. (Me and caffeine don't generally mix. See http://www.homestarrunner.com/sbemail91.html to get some understanding.) My contact lenses also dried up a bit, and at one point sort of came slightly unseated, which was really freaky on a steep curvy road. Gotta work this out before I ever do a ride like this again. I also somehow forgot to go easy on the front brake. I haven't been on my bike in about a month (other than the trainer) so maybe I'm out of practice, and maybe I was just not thinking clearly. My right leg started shaking violently and uncontrollably from nervousness, which made me feel even more unstable.

- I got a flat 2.5 miles from my car! I don't know what happened to my tire. I stopped because it was making funny noises. When I looked at it, it was bulging out from the sides. I thought I could ride on it for 2.5 more miles, even though it stuck on every rotation on the bump, but it popped shortly after that. Thank goodness that didn't happen when I was going fast downhill. I think I would have lost it. I was a mess and somehow incapable to changing my flat. The tire itself was thrashed, not just the tube. Luckily, one of my teammates, Kathy, who rode with me for most of the ride, drove her car to see if I was OK. I guess I would have eventually managed that flat, but I was having a hard time. I think I would have not taken her up on the offer of a ride if the tire wasn't thrashed, but I figured I'd have to change it again when I bought a new tire, so it wasn't worth it.

- The second climb was just plain hot and miserable. At least one person on the road that day, a much better cyclist than me, ended up lying down for a while. I went my own pace, and I'm sure that's the only way I survived.

- I lost my salt tablets. At some point, I guess the plastic baggy fell out of my "Bento Box."

- I got a cramp in my right hamstring. This actually wasn't so bad. I took a short break, ate a Gu, and drank some diluted Perpetuem and it seemed to go away pretty quickly.

But all in all, I'm carrying away good feelings about this ride. One of my teammates, who is an experienced cyclist, told me it was the hardest 75 mile ride he'd ever done, mostly because of the heat. I think about what I did, and I feel like a badass when I consider how far I've come in the last year.

After All - Dar Williams

My Dad's best friend, S.S., died on Wednesday. Our families grew up together, which made them as much part of my family in my heart as people related to my by blood. I think of people as family when they are bound to you in such a way that time and distance and circumstance don't sever the bond you feel with them, and this is the way I feel about the man who died and his family.

While I was growing up, our families had bible study with them every week at the church. Our parents had discussions, while we played in the adjacent nursery. The bible studies sort of evolved into "salons" met in our homes where philosophy, religion, family life, and world politics were discussed. As I got older, I preferred to sit in the hallway and listen to their conversations instead of playing with the other kids sometimes. These discussion I eavesdropped on shaped me into the person I am today.

I related to my Dad's friend for most of my life as a child to an adult, so the picture of him in my mind is sort of immature and largely shaped by the opinions of the other adults who knew him. My mom told me he was a genius, one of the few true intellectuals she knew. My main impression of him is of someone who was intelligent, conscientious, but dissatisfied with himself. At the funeral yesterday, I learned more about him as he was outside of the context of my family. People talked about how he was sort of both a jester and a Socrates, challenging and questioning everything, and distancing himself from all of it a bit with a sense of humor. This is exactly how my father was, and how he tried to teach me to be. I'd say of the two of them, my dad had the dominant, extroverted personality, so maybe that is why it was harder to see S.S. in that way. Maybe what I saw of him was really himself all along, but I thought of it as a reflection of my father. I then adored and still love my father, but I remember one moment being slightly envious of S.S.'s children, because his slightly more apologetic, humble nature was refreshing.

The service yesterday was beautiful in its simplicity and earnestness. The decorations were simple: photos of S.S. and his family, the awards he received as an aerospace engineer, and bouquets of wild, colorful flowers arranged simply. We met under some trees in the back of the church. S.S. didn't like church and all of its churchiness: the buildings, the institution, the structure of the service, and the elaborate robes the priest wore. Those are all things I personally like, but I appreciated the honesty of this service. The priest herself spoke a little and gave an abbreviated version of an Episcopal memorial service. The rest was people sharing their love and appreciation for S.S. as a person, and offering their support to his family.

People didn't sugarcoat or hyperbolise his life. They spoke fondly of the love he had for his wife and children, the pride he took in his work, his generous nature, the care he gave to his wife's ailing parents, and his intelligence and humor. I liked what my Dad said about his life best of all. No one should have suffered in his life the way S.S. did, but he fought for happiness anyways, so that he could hand it over to his children. It's the type of legacy and accomplishment that doesn't fit into the type of thing that most people find it easy to measure, to describe in sound bites or paragraphs, or hand out gold medals for, but it is a type of heroism nonetheless.

"After All" - Dar Williams

Go ahead, push your luck
Find out how much love the world can hold
Once upon a time I had control
And reigned my soul in tight

Well the whole truth
Is like the story of a wave unfurled
But I held the evil of the world
So I stopped the tide
Froze it up from inside

And it felt like a winter machine
That you go through and then
You catch your breath and winter starts again
And everyone else is spring bound

And when I chose to live
There was no joy - it's just a line I crossed
It wasn't worth the pain my death would cost
So I was not lost or found

And if I was to sleep
I knew my family had more truth to tell
And so I traveled down a whispering well
To know myself through them

Growing up, my Mom had a room full of books
And hid away in there
Her father raging down a spiral stair
'Til he found someone
Most days his son

And sometimes I think
My father, too, was a refugee
I know they tried to keep their pain from me
They could not see what it was for

But now I'm sleeping fine
Sometimes the truth is like a second chance
I am the daughter of a great romance
And they are the children of the war

Well the sun rose with so many colors
It nearly broke my heart
And worked me over like a work of art
And I was a part of all that

So go ahead, push your luck
Say what it is you've got to say to me
We will push on into that mystery
And it'll push right back
And there are worse things than that

'Cause for every price
And every penance that I could think of
It's better to have fallen in love
Than never to have fallen at all

'Cause when you live in a world
Well it gets in to who you thought you'd be
And now I laugh at how the world changed me
I think life chose me after all

Matthew 25:33-40

The Son of Man will put the sheep (good people) on his right and the goats (bad people) on his left. "Then the king will say to those good people on his right, 'Come. My Father has given you great blessings. Come and get the kingdom God promised you. That kingdom has been prepared for you since the world was made. You can have this kingdom, because I was hungry and you gave me food to eat. I was thirsty, and you gave me something to drink. I was alone and away from home, and you invited me into your home. I was without clothes, and you gave me something to wear. I was sick, and you cared for me. I was in prison, and you came to visit me.' "Then the good people will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and give you food? When did we see you thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you alone and away from home and invite you into our home? When did we see you without clothes and give you something to wear? When did we see you sick or in prison and care for you?' "Then the king will answer, 'I tell you the truth. Anything you did for any of my people here, you also did for me.'

Maybe I met Jesus today and totally blew it. I was having lunch with Oxy in Flip Flop at the Walnut Ave Cafe. She was on a short lunch break, so we took seats at the counter instead of waiting for a table. We sat next to an older gentleman. He started talking to us. And he wouldn't stop. Long after he was done with his lunch and got his bill and change, he kept sitting with us and talking. He was waiting for his car to get fixed, and lived far away, so he had time to burn. He was retired and was probably lonely. It's not that he wasn't an interesting guy, it sounded like he maybe was. I just didn't feel like extending myself.

Oxy kindly asked him questions, smiled and engaged him. I sat there quietly, hoping he would leave. I'd occasionally feel bad about this and smile and ask a question, but mostly I wanted to sit and talk with my friend. I was working at home that day, and was a little lonely myself, and I don't get to see Oxy all that much, especially not alone, so I really wanted to talk. I love all my friends, but she's a rare friend in that she's both a good listener and discrete, and I have a rapport with her that I have with almost no one else. I felt selfish for wanting her all to myself. I felt intruded upon, but maybe that is just "lunch counter culture." When he left, we shook hands and exchanged names and smiles, and when he apologized for monopolizing the conversation, Oxy and I both insisted that he didn't. So maybe I'm not as evil as I think I am. Maybe I'm just tired and lonely and shy.

Why am I blogging about this? To punish myself by letting everyone know how rotten I can be sometimes? I just remember things better when I blog about them. I hope next time I meet someone who could be Jesus in disguise I'll remember to be kind and think what I would do if he were Jesus, or maybe even better, to remember what I would want someone to do if I were a lonely stranger. I honestly think this was a bad moment for me, and not a reflection of my true character, but it's one more opportunity to reflect on how I could be a better person. Thanks for being a good role model, Oxy. Please forgive me old man, wherever you are, if I came off as rude. Oxy said I didn't, but I feel like I was.

I Hate Everybody

This is a post of mine that I wrote, but didn't publish almost a year ago (9/1/07 at 2:09 am). I didn't publish it because I was afraid it was too negative. I'm not in a "I Hate Everybody" kind of a mood at the moment, actually. I guess I'm publishing it because I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately. (And I figure my blog readers might want something to read. Lazy, I know.) I think I may have reached a level of maturity about this in the last year that I should also write about, so I'll write more later.

I'm in that kind of a mood. I don't hate everybody. Actually, Raybon says I don't really hate anybody. He says I just dislike people, and that hate is too strong a word for how I feel. So...

I don't like you if:

1) You act like you like me, but put me down
2) You malign my accomplishments and celebrate my failures
3) You assume I have bad intentions when I don't
4) You talk about me behind my back
5) You use me for what I have to offer, but don't appreciate me

The worst part about all this is, the more I dislike people because of the above things, the more I become everything I hate. My bad attitude to some people colors my perception of people who have done nothing bad to me, and I have trouble celebrating and appreciating other people. I feel evil. This is going to take some prayer and reflection. How do you learn to forgive, but have a healthy amount of caution about making yourself vulnerable to others? How do you guard your heart and love others at the same time?

I bought a book today by Anne Lamott called "Grace (Eventually): Thoughts on Faith." I heard her interviewed on NPR, and she said she almost called the book "Forgiveshness", because forgiveness is a central concern to her, but is almost impossibly hard. She writes "I wish grace and healing were more abracadabra kinds of things, that delicate silver bells would ring to announce grace's arrival. But no, it's clog and slog and scootch, on the floor, in silence, in the dark."

*Sigh.* My life has been so easy, relatively. No one very close to me has died tragically. I've never wanted for anything necessary for my survival, never been threatened by terminal illness, and never been hurt by an act of deliberate violence. I think sometimes I must have a very young soul, because I'm so easily tripped up on my path to enlightenment by silly things like not being invited to a co-worker's birthday party. My life is cushy enough that I have to seek out challenge and adventure. I need to reflect on what I've been given, be grateful, and try to give back as much as I can, with a sense of love and gratitude towards God and the universe.

Cruz Cruise - Progress Over 5 years

	My Time	Top Time	Percent Difference	My Rank	Total Rank	Percentile
2004	71.03	45.44	36%	46	72	36%
2005	42.42	32.9	22%	30	52	48%
2006	56.9	46.5	18%	19	66	71%
2007	46.6	37.7	19%	29	65	55%
2008	45.7	38.1	17%	22	78	72%

Comments:
2004: Had been swimming Masters a little over a year at that point. One of the choppiest swims I've ever swam. I remember ending up with a sore neck from cranking it from sighting.

2005: I barely remember this swim, except that it foggy, so they shortened the course. My biggest improvement was made this year, as this was the year I first started swimming seriously and regularly with the larger Master's group at UC Flip Flop.

2006: When I swam this race, I remember feeling like it was the best race of my life. I went into it not even thinking I was going to race hard, but ended up wondering if I'd skipped a buoy, because I came in behind a woman who swam a lane up from me, and my times were much closer to the leaders than I expected. This was the year I trained at Cowell's more than any other year, favoring the ocean to the pool.

2007: It looks like my progress slipped this year a bit, and I wasn't very happy with my performance.

2008: Back in the game. I swam for fun, bit I swam hard, and was pretty surprised at how well I did, considering I've been swimming much less this year than last, and my Parkside Aquatic Mile results were not great.

Things I'm Grateful For

- That I can run 11 miles and feel tired, but otherwise not too bad
- That I can swim 11 miles, even if I'm a wreck afterwards
- That I'm of sound mind and body (most of the time)
- For the ocean, whose power to calm and energize me are beyond my ability to explain
- For a family that loves me
- For a good husband, who has stood by me at my worst moments
- For Willow, my snuggly doggy
- For forgiving friends, and friends who ask for forgiveness
- For the sweet kids that I tutor, who teach me so much about how great life is by their curiosity and the ease with which they like and trust me
- For the challenges that face me in my life, and the strength God gives me to rise up to them
- For easy times that I can coast and relax and rejuvenate

Winner and Defending Champion!!!

I swam the 2 mile Cruz Cruise today. I just realized that this is the 5th year in a row I've done this race. It's the only race I've done every year since I started competing in swimming.

I got first place in my age group. Out of 1. Same as last year. I got first out of 3 two years ago, so that makes me three year defending champion!!! That's kind of goofy. I looked up my old results, and I got 2nd out of 3 the previous couple of years.

That's all... I'm too tired to say anything else. Fodder for all of you who think all I do is talk about my results.

Raw

I feel like my skin is thin and my nerves are inflamed.

Noises are too loud.

I feel like I need a break from feeling anything.

What's that called? Oh yeah, sleep.... Didn't sleep enough last night... Worked over the hill 3 days in a row. Both are bad ideas.

Just a heads up if I don't seem like myself. Hopefully you'll get your Nori back shortly.